Projection I - Consideration

She seemed perplexed. Or perhaps that was me. She sounded disturbed, upset. Or maybe those were my feelings. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, the moment, that was charged with all these and more. The conversation had become unexpectedly intimate, the pauses between sentences longer, the fear of being judged, of being less than ideal was almost palpable. Sex can provoke strong emotions.

‘I don’t seem to enjoy sex.’ Was it my imagination or were the words ‘.. and I do so much wish I could,’ get murmured into the heart? No anger, but a lingering perfume of wistfulness.

She looked young, late twenties I’d have guessed and this had been confirmed during the conversation. One child turning 3-years, so married long enough for there not to be too many surprises between them and yet not long enough for every day to be taken for granted.

And the conversation had moved from rauchy Hindi music videos to this like a tidal wave only a swell in the deeper waters, completely invisible till it reared up in the shallows and broke on the shore.

‘The last time we had sex was when our baby was conceived. I remember telling my husband that I’d stop troubling him when I got pregnant and that happened a couple of months after our marriage,’ she said. ‘I thought I was just being funny,’ she added, a little too quickly.

There was nothing that I could say, and it appeared that nothing was required for she continued almost as though talking to herself.

‘As things stand, it would seem that the joke’s on me. During my pregnancy it seemed almost natural to abstain. And since I had a slightly complicated delivery, the post-delivery abstinence stretched out without causing too much concern. At least, it didn’t for some months, with either of us,’ she murmured.

Incomprehension began to take root. I couldn’t formulate a response.

‘My husband and I are great friends, he means a lot to me. And while for some time after the pregnancy we did hug and kiss and have that kind of contact, I’d begun to wonder about whether this absence of sex was bothering him. Whether he was being considerate and was not pressurizing me.’

I wondered about the husband, rather uncharitably I must confess. How quick the mind is to jump to judgments. ‘Do you get the feeling that he’s seeing someone?’ The question remained unspoken.

‘My friends were puzzled to start with, they being the type that would sit and watch a porn film with their husbands and who are pretty clear about their need for sex. But you know what, I’ve not even been interested in watching a porn film!’

Was it a finality I heard there? Or was it desperation? I’m just about average when it comes to forming impressions of people, maybe slightly over average given my vocation. And even during our brief interaction I’d gotten the picture of a rather vivacious and sensuous creature. But what I was hearing just didn’t fit the picture, which led me to wonder about the impression I’d formed.

‘The months crossed a year and my friends started getting concerned. It came close to being two and the concern started to change they felt I needed to do something.’ A number of emotions seemed to blend in the air anger, fear, sorrow, a bitter concoction. ‘As if I wasn’t feeling that myself, as if I didn’t want to do something,’ she continued, the tint of bitterness growing deeper.

‘So I resolved to try, to try my best, to make it happen. And I did. But for intercourse you need lubrication don’t you? And that was just not there!’

I wondered about her choice of words. Intercourse, lubrication, so clinical, objective, distant. Words that are better used with bodies and not people. How had love-making become intercourse for her? And the images of all that I knew to do to arouse her became a porn movie in my head and I could not trust myself to speak.

‘Since that attempt some months ago, we don’t have any physical intimacy any more. My husband has taken to watching TV late into the night, coming to bed well after I’m asleep. And he doesn’t even put his arm over me like he used to, and that’s when I learnt how much even that small little contact mattered.’ Now she was speaking to herself, her voice had gone so low.

‘What happened the last time? The time you didn’t get lubricated, did your husband get an erection, and did you still try intercourse?’ The questions sat unasked on my lips.

‘Now I know there’s something wrong with me. And I thank God that I have such a nice and considerate husband. And I feel so guilty at times, thinking that I’m denying him something that’s so important,’ she whispers, barely audible now.

I wonder if cause and effect are being switched here. If sex were also a matter of appetite or drive. And then how different people would have different drives. Of my own appetite for sex, which I consider to be above average having only read about averages. Of how this young lady and I would’ve got on had we been together.

The conversation came to an end. I hadn’t spoken for the last twenty minutes. The aircraft landed.

‘It was good chatting with you,’ she said. ‘I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to contact me,’ the words came smoothly and without any emotion. All I knew was her first name, and her tone made it clear that this was all that I was going to find out from her.

I murmured something about how it was a pleasure meeting her. I didn’t wish her all the best, that sounded condescending even to me. I didn’t have any doubt that even if we were to bump into each other unexpectedly, she’d look through me like a stranger, so there was nothing much else to say.

I didn’t have any luggage to collect, so I went straight to the taxi queue. The usual confusion that seemed to be stage-managed for maximum inefficiency in every such facility across the country. And finally as I was getting into a taxi, I saw her climbing into an expensive SUV, smiling and chatting animatedly to the man who was putting her bags into the back seat. A good looking couple I thought.

I fell asleep with a few hundred questions chasing their tails, and woke to find they’d all gone and settled down somewhere to roost. The seduction movie remained a few days longer and then the colors faded away. I think I’ll remember the fragrance she wore if I encounter it again.